Danielle, 40, Product Manager, National Restaurant Association | Chicago,IL

“Traditional motherhood is really hard to define, because I grew up with a working mom who chose career over motherhood a lot of days, which I don’t say in a negative or derogatory way. In the 90’s, women were really expected to pretend they didn’t have a family at home … before that, traditional motherhood was a stay at home mom doing everything that needed to be done at home. I don’t see myself as either of those stereotypes of mother. I am a full-time working mom who also does the stuff around the house, and so neither thing gets done particularly well most days, and part of being a mom in this day and age is accepting that no day goes exactly how you want it to go, and you are never truly achieving success in any part of your life. And so success becomes redefined as, “I made it through”, and, “The kids are clothed”, and, “They went to school and had their lunch”, and, “I answered my emails and attended my meetings”, and hopefully when they’re older the balance shifts in a way that you can start to feel like you’re actually accomplishing things instead of making it through every day.

I judge myself more than other people judge me … I don’t really worry about what other people think of me as a mom, because I know I am a good mom, even on the days where I might not be showing my best version of myself as a mom. I think women- at least in the community I am fortunate enough to be a part of- we all understand that we are all going through it, and there’s no judgement.

I think everything is narrowly represented in American culture. There are very few definitions of what is deemed acceptable, especially now with the way things in this country are going, where we are trying to walk back a lot of the acceptance and inclusivity that a lot of people worked really hard to obtain. I don’t know that the plight of the mother is necessarily different than other people whose experiences are not being valued and their stories are not being told. But, I do feel like this country doesn’t care about children. And this country doesn’t care about women who need help. It’s less about narrow representation and more about giving us the support that we need to survive.

I think that it’s really easy before you become a parent to have this idea of how things are going to go. You have this false sense of control. And when you have a baby, you [continue to] have this false sense of control, because you tell yourself, “Well, if I just do the nap time routine the same time every day, and put them to bed right at the right time, then the baby will be in a good mood.” And at that age, it’s generally true. But the kids grow up, and they stop responding to the formula that you’ve concocted, and things happen in your life that you don’t expect, that make your version of your future suddenly become very fluid, and I wish I had better understood that I am so out of control in this whole process, because when things started to go wrong or went differently than my expectation, I might not have been so surprised or caught off guard.

You’re not in control, and you have to just accept that and do your best, and your best is good enough. And, find the help- whatever that help looks like for you. You don’t have to do this on your own. You don’t have to be a supermom making it all, having it all.”