Francie, 67, Art Consultant | Atascadero, CA

“I'm very independent. And I think that that independence came from my mother. My parents split up when I was 10, and my brothers went to boarding school. So it was really just me and my mom at home. But my picture of her [growing up] was this independent woman. I don't think … that the definition of me is as a mother. I’m just kind of like me first. And I love that I have my daughter. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. But I sort of wear three hats. Okay, I wear the hat of me, and the hat of a mother, and the hat of a professional person. But I don’t define myself purely as a mother. I think I define myself through all that I do: as a professional, as a mother, as an independent person, and then also through the things that I'm passionate about.

Yes, I think motherhood is narrowly represented. I mean, we seem as though we've really come a long way. We had the 60s, and that was this incredible self realization for women. And there was so much advancement for women and and I think, from other women, as mothers. And I think we've slid back a lot. I think that white men in particular are terribly fearful of women in what they see as power. And I don't think women are seeking power. I think women are much more seeking equality. And I think that religion has changed in a big role for women in the past 15 or 20 years. You would expect that women would become sort of freer… and yet, it feels like women have just gone back, they've lost this forward mobility, and it seems to be okay with them. So it's a hard question to answer because I think it depends on where you fit in the mold of Western culture.

By the time you get to middle school, there's so much parent involvement. Some of these mothers are so bossy, and just have stuff to prove, and it was like mothers over the top. Oh, mothers who send their kids to school in, you know, fashionista clothes … but defining themselves by their children. They were very specific types of moms for sure. I think that things are so fear driven. And we compete to be a certain way, and we want to be perceived being a certain way. So maybe it's us, that narrows our own motherhood. We make our own channels that we fall into. The narrowing is self induced, but I think it's cultural as well. I definitely think Western culture has probably narrowed what being a mother means.

I would have had a second child, because I just think it would have benefitted her. That second relationship I think would have really benefited her. Maybe as an extrovert, it wouldn't have mattered as much. But I also feel like having one was a really good choice for the planet. I feel good about how long I waited. I was 40 when she was born. And I don't think I was nearly mature enough or emotionally ready [before].

What I would do differently is I … would have believed in the outcome a lot more. I was in such fear of breaking her, just ruining something. Approaching motherhood from a state of fear doesn't really produce a lot of really great results. So I think I would have been freer, but I also would have been a better disciplinarian. I was really into her liking me and being good friend. I would have provided more structure. And I would have been perhaps a little more confident that things would be okay.

Advice I would give is, this is not perfection. I think it's important to read books to find out you're not alone. Other people struggle with the same issues, same worries. But … I would have liked to have somehow found a real inner confidence, because I think that would have benefited my daughter so much. I just doubted things all the time. I would say, really own it. I’m a parent. I'm a mother. And I have things I do besides being a mom. And those things make me a better mom. Because those things I think are good for the child to see. I think it's very important for a mother to have something besides her motherhood. It doesn’t have to be a career, but it needs to be something they're passionate about, besides just being a mom, because when the child leaves, living with that emptiness could be very hollow, I imagine.

I think we have a lot to learn from children. And I think the gift they bring us is the reconnection with our own childhood. When Katie was an infant, I was home alone [for the first time.] And she was crying about something, and then big time crying. And it's just like, oh my god, it's so loud. I don't know if I can take it. She’s gonna break. I found very early on that taking her outside, changing [the environment], would help calm her down a lot. I remember coming back in and sitting in the rocking chair, the glider. And just rocking her. And I suddenly felt like nothing in the world was more important than what I was doing right in that moment.

We're doomed, because we're the parent, and their job is to separate. I think that as a mother, we need to have a lot of acceptance, a lot of forgiveness. And worrying. It's just part of being a parent. But somewhere in the worry, we really have to hold on to the wonder or find the wonder and find wonder through the child's eyes. And even though I didn't end up being what my mom wanted, what my mother did was she gave me the wonder of the wilderness and the natural world. She made outside become alive. [For] a parent to give the child something they can develop a passion over … that’s a great gift.”