Kelly, 36, Personal Trainer and Fitness/Yoga Instructor | San Luis Obispo, CA

“A lot of my friends have gone into the box of, ‘We have to do naps a certain time’, ‘We have to be so scheduled’, and you can easily lose yourself in that. My mantra was, ‘Kids come into our life, not vice-versa’, and so they are going to be adaptable, they are going to go with the flow, I’m not going to stop living my life and travel and work, even if that has been a challenge. I think all in all, it’s good for us as a family, and it’s good for the kids, because it makes them really adaptable and flexible … My kids go with the flow; for the most, part they are pretty easy-going. I had Wesley, my almost two-year-old, strapped into a stroller for two and a half hours while we’re drinking wine at the winery, and, you know [people ask] ‘How does he sit that still?’ Well, I’ve trained him. [Laughs.] I don’t necessarily fit the mold in that way. We still travel a lot, even with our kids- they just have come along for the ride, sometimes to my detriment, because I run myself into the ground.

I think everyone innately judges, unfortunately …. And it’s hard not to compare yourself to other moms… but honestly I run so busy I just try not to overthink that. I think that can be a slippery slope. The best way to handle that is to put your energy into your own kids, what they need, their schedule, what you need, and move forward. I try not to judge other moms, but we all innately do, though … I’m sure people judge me for how much I travel with them, or for not having a strict nap time.

I think in recent times there’s more attention to mothers and the hard job of moms, but there’s definitely still a lot of things people don’t talk about, and the sacrifices moms make. There definitely could be more acknowledgement on working moms, too. I am only working part time and … I was not prepared for how hard that would be. I thought, ‘Yeah, I am going to go back to work full time!’ And it is so challenging emotionally and mentally … because you feel guilty when you’re working and not at home, and if you’re at home you feel guilty that you’re not working, and it’s just a constant emotional struggle of where to spend your time. I just wasn’t prepared for that. Whether you’re at home or working, neither is an easy job- and if you’re doing both, it’s not an easy job, and it’s even more hard in a lot of ways because you’re constantly pulled in multiple directions.

I find it so hard to always have to be the flexible one … [my husband’s] job will come first, but you’re always on call: the kids get sick, you’re on call; if you’re working part time, your job is the one that has to take the hit…I mean, that’s challenging. You’re always on call! And I don’t always get the acknowledgement for always being on call. But really, you’re both on call all the time, actually. Do you ever get a break?! It’s frickin’ exhausting!

[This] time is so precious… I tend to be a busy busy girl, go go go, travel, entertaining friends, family, trying to keep everyone happy, please everyone, do all the things- and if there’s anything I would change, I would go back in time, and take a little more time to focus on them, and us, and not try to do all the things, and be everywhere, and please everyone, because time goes fast.

I remember being so shocked by the identity change; that all of a sudden, I was a mom, and I would always be referred to as, ‘Teagan’s mom’, or ‘Westley’s mom’, and that kind of almost comes before my name sometimes. I was saying something about my career, and [someone] said, ‘Oh, well, you’re a mom’, like that was it. And I was like, ‘Well, that doesn’t have to be all.’ I was so offended and taken aback that that’s all they thought, and could see. It didn’t even matter what I had done in the past, with my career, or other goals, it just … that was it. Your kids should be your priority, but it doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself or your identity. And I think it’s important to keep other things going. It’s a new chapter for your self identity, and how people perceive you.”