Karen, 63, Housekeeper | Paso Robles, CA

I don't necessarily know if I identify as a different type of role model. I'm a single mom, I've raised three daughters on my own. Not financially on my own; dad financially helped. But what I do know is that I created an atmosphere for my kids to know that they were going to be more than a housekeeper, that they were going to go to college. So from a very, very young age, I wanted them to be educated, I wanted them to move into college-level learning. And I wanted them to always- I think this is the thing that probably I instilled in all three of them- is always have your own money. Don't ever stay somewhere that's not healthy or not safe for you. And that the reason you stay is because you don't have your own money, that you can't afford to leave.

I've totally felt judged. I think it stemmed from being a recovering addict. And recognizing that there was shame behind that. And that it took me quite a few years in recovery to realize that, through a program, I could gather the tools I needed to be a socially appropriate mom. But then also be an emotionally available mom to my kids, because there was a time when I wasn't. So I think that that judgment was more self reflective.

And then, of course, when my oldest daughter was in a private, Catholic, all-girls high school, and I'd go to, like, Back-to-School night, and all these parents were very educated, and they were asking questions that I was, like, ‘I don't even know what that means, but I'm gonna sit here and pretend like I fit in.’ So I think that that judgment was more an internal thing. But today, I have a lot of women that look up to me, that seek guidance from me. I mentor quite a few women. And quite a few of them have kids. Quite a few of them have kids that are troubled. If there's other people that judge me, it’s probably none of my business … well, it’s really none of their business. [Laughs]

I think there's still a standard of what mothers are supposed to be like. And I noticed that when mothers fall out of that, where the dad is the primary parent, where the mother gave up the kids, to seek her ambition or to seek her destructiveness, I think there's still that stigma that says, ‘Oh, you shouldn't do that.’ Whereas with a father, I think seeking whatever he wants, it's not like, ‘Well, are you still a good dad? Are you a present dad? Are you taking care of your kids?’ So I do think there's more of a stigma, but I think we definitely have more freedom than my mother did, in terms of what kind of mother you want to be. I think it's easier for women to decide they want to have a baby without being married and being in a relationship where there’s counterparts that all look good to society. 

I was a single mom at 19- that was very difficult. However, at the beginning of motherhood, I made an unconscious decision that I was going to parent my child differently than I was parented. I wasn't going to yell, I wasn't going to hit. I wasn't going to undermine their journey. And I wasn't going to allow their siblings to be mean to each other. So in that sense, I wouldn't change that aspect. I would change the aspect of certain relationships that I was in, that my children watched. I would probably change how I interacted with their dad once we were divorced. I think that was a painful thing to watch. And I would try to be not as controlling, because they still tell me I am- they told me that yesterday!

[Motherhood] is hard. And not hard in the sense that it's hard, like, physically or spiritually- it’s hard to separate your fears and your wants for that child. Your verbal directs them on how they feel about themselves, how they look at the world. So be mindful of your words. That's what I would say. Be really mindful that they get the full input of what they're seeking.

Kids are not submissive, unless it's scared out of them. If they're safe, and not afraid of what you're going to do to them, then they can be a little defiant … but they're not being defiant. They're just being human, like, questioning [things], they're strong willed at what they want to do. They're self centered. So they want [something], they want it now, they don't want to wait. They don't understand time in elements that happen in an adult life.

[Z] I never realized or thought that: that being strong-willed comes from a feeling of security. I never ever thought that.

[K] It’s frustrating, but it's like, they're safe. I wasn't allowed to do that. Oh, no, that was not gonna happen. Not in a million years were my parents gonna allow me to be upset, or be angry, or be anything other than, ‘Get yourself where I want you to be.’

I really think as an older parent, now an older woman, we need to embrace each stage. I don't need to, like, look 40, I don't need to act 40, I don't need to dress younger- I’m kind of embracing that. I've been a mom for 43 years. I don't have to like what other people like. Embrace the stage you're in. Enjoy! When you're 38 or 40 years old, and you think you look old, or you think you look fat, or you think you need Botox, or you think that you need to lose weight? No, you're fine. You're beautiful. You know, embrace all of that, because you'll miss it. You'll look back and go, ‘Oh, shit, I had it! Look at how good I looked!’ And you don't ever remember embracing what it felt like to self love. I think that's probably the biggest thing that women don't embrace: our self love."