Kate, 40, Political Consultant/CEO of Magnify Strategies | Evanston, IL

"In my career, it is not typical for women of my age, or in the roles that I have had, to be in the child-rearing, young child phase. Something we all grapple with is, we hit our stride professionally, when there's a sense that, you know, you need to be having kids, or have [already] had kids, you have to make that compromise. And there were not very many people whom I knew of that had been pregnant or had little kids in the midst of being a campaign manager on a Senate campaign, or being chief of staff to a Senator. I was literally writing, in the organizations I was in, the parental leave policies, of which I would be probably the first beneficiary. [Laughs.]

Other campaigns had parental leave policies, for sure. [Senator] Tammy Duckworth has been my longtime boss and inspiration. It was also very rare for a woman to be pregnant and give birth and raise little kids in the midst of all that. I didn't have many other examples of that. We were the first Senate office to offer 16 weeks of paid parental leave. So she's one of, if not the first, to have 16 weeks of parental leave. So yeah, that’s trailblazer-y for sure. And it took a woman senator and a woman chief of staff [to make it happen.]
Constantly [I have felt judged], on both sides. Certainly for the first five years that I was having kids, et cetera, [I felt] very judged by the other people that I was working with. I literally had successful, established people look at me and say, ‘That's not possible. That's too much. That's not a great choice.’

There's a lot of pressure to try to be all the things, and I have come to realize over time, that's just not attainable, and not fair to ourselves to attempt to be that. With my first kid, I exclusively breastfed him and pumped and he never had an ounce of formula for 13 months. And it was just like, ‘Nope, that's what the book said.' And that's what I was going to do. With my second kid, formula at six months and I was like, ‘Maybe not a bad idea. Allow me some freedom.' Nobody's gone to their Harvard interview and been like, ‘Were you breastfed or formula-fed?’ You know what I mean? Like, is it actually gonna make a difference?! My first kid was sick all the fucking time! [Even having had] breast milk or whatever. And to my detriment: I was pumping in offices, pumping on planes, trains, automobiles, even with my second [I was] literally pumping on planes between businessmen. With my third kid, she’s on formula at three months: I was like, ‘I'm done.’ She's gonna be just fine, and I’m happier and more present for not having to do that. It has taken that lived experience and time to feel more confident with choices like that.

Z: Do you think motherhood is narrowly represented in American culture? Why or why not?

K: Yes, I think it has gotten better. I think every generation has made adjustments. I think social media for this generation poses incredible challenges, where there is this pressure to do all the things right. It feeds into this narrative of everything being perfect, right? Kids are going to feel that everything's so manicured. Literally there's an actual filter that you put on things in order for it to not be reality, but to be a better version of reality, even if it was something that was already really beautiful or wonderful, and I think that applies literally and figuratively to what we're dealing with. I think we have more awareness and more opportunities in many ways. But many more additional pressures. We do so much as moms right now. We do so so so much. Too much. And, society has just sort of put that on us, to do all the things.

Z: Knowing what you know about motherhood, now, would you do anything differently?
K: I would have shoved formula in that baby's mouth at week six. Bam! [Laughs]  But in that same spirit, I would cut myself a lot more slack. First of all, children are so resilient. They are so resilient. And we need to grow and raise resilient children. This tendency to solve and helicopter bulldoze and whatever else and just solve it all for them will do them harm in the long run. And we need to trust ourselves and trust our own kids, that they can figure it out, it's going to be okay, they're going to be fine. I would tell myself to just ease up, not sweat it so much. It's all going to be okay.

Z: What advice do you have for mom's advice or information you wish you had known before becoming a parent?

K: The context where everyone's advice is so unique to them, and so unique to their child. Sometimes I think even in the helpful sense, it can be overwhelming to navigate all the information and advice that's out there. At the end of the day, you're the parent, it's your child, and it's your life, and no one is going to know the circumstances of your family, work, kids, whatever- better than you do. Trust yourself in that.

I would say asking for help, and being more open to women being direct with what their needs are, with their partners, or with work, or with people in their life. I think we, as women, have a tendency to be too focused on making sure everyone else is taken care of, and their needs come first and foremost. And while in many ways that's an incredible gift, and part of the magic that is women, because we are incredible, we do so too often and clearly too much, at our own detriment.

Be mindful that you're setting your example for your kids, you're setting an example for yourself. There are also other women who are figuring out what their next steps are that I was trying to be mindful of, which is why I think being more direct and honest about the good and the bad of motherhood, and motherhood with work, and motherhood without work, or whatever it is. People are often surprised by how direct I am. I know I'm a better version of myself when I show up having filled my tank in other ways. Try to find out what helps you be the best mom you can be, and try to create more circumstances like that. For me, that is time where I'm fully present with my kids and times when I am not."