Priscilla, 52, Therapist | San Luis Obispo, CA

I haven't had a very … traditional version of parenting as a mom. I became a single mom when my kids were really young, and I was not expecting that. So I raised them on my own. This was back in the day when there was still a lot more stay at home moms. So I already felt a little bit different because I had to be working right away. And then during that time, I went back to college, twice, maybe three times. So I was also a student many times, I had career changes. I feel like my existence with my kids was just different than a lot of the community I was around, which was very married and conventional.

I wouldn't change how I was as a mom, especially given my circumstances. I feel like my kids and I have had great dialogues about that now that they're adults. I often felt judged, and I didn't feel like I fit in. I didn't fit the other mold of the moms, I got a lot of pushback from parents about what I was doing: when I went to school, I was judged for that, and [people would] question like, how could you do this to your kids, instead of it being a positive thing. And a lot of my friends outside of my community were very similar and supportive. In my community, I often felt like a little bit of an outcast.

Going through COVID and empty nest all at the same time was really traumatic. Even though I was prepared for it, I think it just kind of hit in this deeper way where it was time to look back. There's this grief in looking back at this part of your life that’s over, and we don’t really talk about. And that is what made me reflect on this; like, gosh, what were the pieces I wish had been different? What are the pieces I'm really grateful for? I never envisioned myself raising kids alone. So I grieved that for a long time. Like, I really wanted a partner. I always assumed that would raise kids with someone. But now looking back, there's so many great things. And I was able to finally step back and appreciate those things, too. And I think the other part is that the kids and I have formed this really great adult relationship. And so their feedback on it was really helpful to hear, too- kind of reassuring.

Do you think motherhood is narrowly represented in American culture? Why or why not?
I think it's getting better. But I do [think it’s narrowly represented.] I don't think that there's enough representation of the complexity of motherhood: it is deep, deep, deep, rich, rich, rich stuff. So complex. And we're talking about going back generations. Intergenerational trauma and cultural norms that are developing right now. We have a long way to go. But I feel like it's changing. The conversation is shifting a little bit.

The thing I see that historically has been one of the saddest things to me is that there's kind of a continuing battle amongst moms. When I was a young parent, it was stay at home moms versus working moms- it was brutal. If you were a stay at home mom, what are you doing with your life? You should get out and get the money. And if you were a working mom, why did you even have children? And it was vicious- but against each other! Everybody was making the best decision they could for their family. Like there was no right answer. It's so individual. And the conversations changed, but it's still there. There's still a lot of mom shaming. That's abuse, I think. I wish I could change that.

Z: Is there anything you would do differently? P: Oh, my gosh, yes. The things I've learned now about parenting and attachment and what really matters, I didn't know when I was a young mom. And I didn't have great parent role models, and so I dove into a lot of books. And I would definitely focus more on the things I know about attachment with my kids, which is the relationship. I did some of that intuitively, but the mistake I made was listening too much to the outside dialogue of what I should be doing, instead of trusting that I knew what was best for them. Or surrounding myself with people that were like minded to help me out. Maybe finding more role models.

Z: Can you define attachment?
P: Whatever relationship a child develops with their parents, like my kids with me, how they feel in it, how they respond to it, the rules they make and how they interact with it, that attachment is, to me, how it's going to show up everywhere in the world: their attachment to money, their attachment to friends; it’s their relationship with the outside world.

There were moments when I would forget that I was the mirror for them; how I responded to them was showing them who they were. I didn't deeply understand that.
Nobody had told me that.

Z: What advice do you have for moms- advice or information you wish you had known before becoming a parent?

P: I would recommend diving into what your own relationship looks like with your parents, because it absolutely will influence your relationship with your kids. It doesn't mean you're gonna repeat [that relationship], but it also means don't necessarily do the opposite, because you don't know what else to do. It means: dive into it, and then figure out how you want to be in the relationship. That's what I recommend. Whether it’s with a therapist, or reading, or [having] good supportive friends, or good modeling. I think there are a lot of really great traditions, and I think there's a lot of really harmful, old ways of doing things that parents continue to do just because they don't know any different. I think that would be the piece I would dive into really mindfully: so we're not just doing it because that was all the “good old way”, and not tossing out stuff just because it's traditional. Really mindfully sorting it. And looking at it and taking it really seriously, but at the same time not being hard on yourself. Go easier on yourself. The shame doesn’t help. It’s not easy. It’s so hard. Give yourself grace.

Watching what moms go through, the internal turmoil, is touching. It’s touching to witness people care so much about somebody that they dedicate their life to. It’s really meaningful.