Tracie, 37, Registered dietitian nutritionist | Santa Margarita, CA
Raquel, 32, Senior Software Engineer | San Luis Obispo, CA

Raquel: “What makes me different? I hate babies. Fortunately, I don’t have babies anymore [laughter]. I love my children, but … I don’t feel like I’m particularly nurturing. I am more of the, ‘Figure it out, deal with it’ kind of person. It’s not necessarily something I am proud of, but I feel like it’s definitely non-traditional.”

Tracie: “When I think of moms, I picture someone really confident who knows what they're doing, and someone who is very patient and kind, and I definitely don’t feel that way. Half of the things I do I’m not sure if it's the right thing. I can be very patient, and I can put forth patience towards other people. But when I am at home with the kids and I’m exhausted, it just completely goes out the window half the time.”

T: “I know for a fact I’ve been judged! I think different generations view parenting super differently. I’ve had someone tell me basically my children are spoiled. I like organization, I like things in their proper place, and kids derail that completely. Everyone has such different ideas of how children should behave, and I definitely think kids should be allowed to be kids. And some people don’t think that.”

R: “It’s funny because you and I have fairly different parenting styles. I feel like I don’t judge you for yours, and I don’t feel that you judge me for mine, which helps in our friendship … but I have felt judged by other people.

I was at the grocery store not too long ago, and I asked Kacey to pick out one of three pasta shapes. She couldn’t pick, and I was like, ‘Alright, fine, I’m just going to get this one’, and she’s like, ‘Well, then I’m not going to eat it.’ And I said in full seriousness, ‘That’s fine, you don’t have to eat dinner.’ And some woman just like looked at me in this way that was like … I just felt so judged by saying that I am happy to let my child skip dinner if they refuse to eat a certain pasta shape, and I was like, ‘Does this make me a terrible person?!’ I actually oftentimes feel the opposite….someone in my life will frequently compliment me on my parenting…and it’s not a person I would want to compliment me on my parenting …. And I don’t like how this person approaches parenting. There are very specific things that I have chosen to approach in a different way, but then any compliment [that is given], I’m like, ‘Shit! I thought I was doing that differently!’ I feel really judgmental about myself.”

T: “We do have very different parenting styles, and I feel like you are very good at setting boundaries, and my kids are the opposite, and one mom would judge Raquel, and another mom would judge me- there’s no escaping it. Everyone thinks there’s one way to do things, and there isn’t.”

R: “Especially the previous generation. A LOT of the previous generation thinks, ‘The way I did it is the way it should be done.’ The Boomers. Or maybe as you get older, you get less flexible, less accommodating of people wanting to be different.

People expect different things of themselves before they have children. When Kacey was only 9 months old, I’d see other mothers at the grocery store, and they looked so annoyed at their two kids, and their kids aren’t even being that bad, and the mom just looks so annoyed, and I’d be like, ‘Look at me and how happy I am with my 9 month old, I am doing this right, I have the right attitude.’ And now I’m like, ‘I can’t even take my kids to the fucking grocery store because they’re going to drive me insane!!’ I think it’s easy to think that motherhood is going to be something different when you haven’t been through it.”

T: “I also feel like people who had kids a long time ago have forgotten [what it’s like].”

R: “That’s why I write letters to my girls. I write them a letter for their birthday every year … I want to give them a real idea of what [this] time was like for them, and who they were; and then I also write letters if there’s something I feel like I have thoughts about now that will change in the future. Typically it relates to having kids, or having a child and understanding what they are going though, or what I’m going through.”

T: “Whenever I talk to new mothers, I try not give them advice, because I feel it’s just this process, and you have to figure things out on your own. You have to figure it out. At one point, [my husband] banned me from reading parenting books, because they just made me feel awful about myself, and it made me second guess everything. Instead of trusting my gut, I was trusting what someone else told me to do. I would have saved myself that stress, and not read those books.

There’s a million ways to parent, and you just have to be good enough, and your kid is going to be okay. And everyone, no matter what they do, is going to screw their kid up to some degree. Give yourself some grace. Also, surround yourself with friends who you can be completely honest with, and who aren’t going to judge you.”

R: “And find yourself a nanny that will stay with you for six years!! And be a second mother to your children!! And be a better mother then you can ever be!!” [Laughter]

Katya: “Forgive yourself! The things you think you screw up, you didn’t. Everyone is so different. I agree with Tracie about parenting books: you can read it… but it’s not about your child. It’s about statistics. Don’t judge yourself! You’re doing it for the first time.”

R: “Being a parent turns you into a better person, and helps you get outside of yourself, and really care about someone else. I think that’s really cool.”