Sile, 51, Learning Disability Specialist | Templeton, CA 

I have a special needs child and it was really hard when my son was younger, getting kicked out of places- you feel like it’s a reflection of you, that you’re a bad mom. That made me feel very different than other moms; until I found my special needs mom group connection, I felt like, oh my goodness, this is so not what I was expecting. When [my son] Ezo was diagnosed, we realized that one of us needed to stay home- and typically it’s the mom who stays home, right?- but my job was the one that was more secure and stable, and so we decided to have my husband stay home, and do that, and be the one that coordinates everything. That was definitely different. It was hard, because I didn’t fit in with the moms; the moms would have play dates and different things, and do they invite [my husband] Alex?! I felt really bad.

My son was diagnosed with autism at one year of age, which is really really young. All the research shows that early intervention is the best thing you can do, but early intervention was five days a week of therapies, and so really one person had to stay home and coordinate that, because a lot of the therapies needed ABA (Applied Behavioral Analyses). It was 35 hours a week. We still had to do occupational therapy and speech therapy and special groups, in addition to that. It was a full time job for us.

I definitely felt different because I wasn’t the mom that got to hang out with all the other moms, and I felt a little left out. I don’t think [moms] judged me that I worked, I think they judged me that my husband was the stay-at-home-mom. That was where the judgement came. There were no dads at pickup! I tried really hard to go to things so they knew I existed. At first, other moms didn’t want to invite our kids over because they knew Alex would show up! I felt really bad about that, and I made a really conscious effort to show up so they could know me and get to know Alex and feel comfortable.

In the special needs population, there’s always a parent staying home, because it’s so hard, because you also don’t get invited to a lot of things. There’s a lot that goes with that identity. I felt very much a part of that group, because they were very welcoming and really understood. That was where I felt much more accepted, because we all had great stories. There was a lot less judgement there.

No, I wouldn’t have done anything differently. I did what was healthy for our family and what I could do. It was a really practical decision to have me work and Alex stay home, and it worked out for our family, and Alex got some really cool time with them, but I’m still definitely mom with them- like, if they need food or medical care [laughs], they definitely come to mom.

Try not to have any misconceived notions about anything. Being a parent is the most humbling experience, because you don’t know what’s going to be handed to you. Kids are like little presents that change every day; just accept your gift, and try not to compare and see other people’s gifts. Enjoy every moment and try not to feel bad for the situations, the choices you have to make; there’s no manual.

If you love your kids, that goes a long way. I guess my advice would be just be kind to yourself. If you’re kind to yourself, then the kids reap the benefits.

I thought you would have your kids and you would love them, and somehow 18 would happen, and- not that I want them to go away- but, like, “you did a good job, you’re done!” Oh my gosh, you’re never done. I’m starting to realize that the worry you have- oh my gosh, I am going to worry for the whole entire existence of my life. I’m never going to not worry. It’s like wearing your heart outside of your body. You are a parent for the rest of your life- good or bad. I don’t think I completely got that. I wished someone would have said, “you’re going to be a mom for the rest of your life.” Hold your seat, because this job is never going to be over.