Veronica, 35, Stay-at-Home Mom/Admin for Family Business | Paso Robles, CA

“My parents were spankers, they had no patience. I’m very different in that regard. I’m very patient, I talk to my kids. They ask me questions that some people might think are inappropriate, but I’m very honest with them. I would have liked that honesty [when I was a kid], so that’s why I think I might be different. I’m very - sometimes, too honest with my kids.

I definitely feel like I’m judged, all the time, especially by people whose parents didn’t take the time to talk to them. Instinctually, I feel like, you know, they say something, I‘m like, ’Don't disrespect me’, but you know, they’re learning … they’re learning. I feel like that’s where I’m a little judged on, because I am very patient with them, I let them push the envelope. Most parents or my parents don’t allow that.

[People will ask] Why are you letting him do that? Why don’t you just spank them? Why are they saying things like that? Why are they asking that? Why are they interrupting? It’s because they’re human and they are allowed to have questions … what they think, what they have to say, that matters- that’s important to me.

I think we are expected to forget who we are as individuals … we have needs, wants, and ambitions, and we are supposed to forget all that. Sometimes, that’s a trigger for other older moms, or older relatives, because they had to give everything up for their kids, and I’m living a different way than they are or wanted to. It’s hard to maintain an identity outside of being a mom … I sometimes forget who I am. Who is Veronica? What do I want? What do I need? What do I like? I just need to remember … I’m not the same Veronica I was before I had kids, so when I think about who I am, I kind of feel lost, because I’m not that person anymore.

I would not try to be perfect all the time. I’m very neat and clean- my house was always clean, the kid’s toys were always put away, but to my expense. I felt like I was dying at the end of the night, I was so tired. I had two toddlers, 14 months apart, and it was just a lot of work, and my husband was out to work all the time and it was during Covid, and it was very lonely, so I tried to be perfect, and perfection does not exist. Your house should look like you have kids.

Do a lot of healing before you have your kids. Your kids will trigger that healing you need to get done. I am in therapy, I am healing myself, trying to give myself grace, and be patient with myself, while doing the same with my children. If I had done this before, then maybe it wouldn’t be so tough.

Be patient with yourself, love yourself, don’t forget who you are, everyone’s going to have an opinion, but yours matters most.”